"I find myself thinking back to our very first date, and I can’t help but linger on the vast gap that separates the now and then. It’s as though we were full-grown babies, blissfully unaware of the storm heading straight for us. Now that it’s passed and we’re repairing the wreckage it left in its wake, the stark contrast of who we were and who we’ve become is almost shocking. So much has changed, except for the only constant; we still have each other."
Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"It’s a harrowing feeling when you discover something you once believed to be authentic was nothing more than a ploy."
He tricked me into a role I never ever wanted to play - Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"I genuinely believed that the most difficult part of recovering from the abuse would be to trust another partner again. I was wrong. The hardest part was to trust my own judgment and to have faith that I would recognize the signs, that I would have the strength to walk away this time. They all talk of healing and giving love another chance, but they don’t mention giving yourself another chance to break your own heart. They mention the risk of falling in love again, but never the risk of being wrong again."
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"
Discomfort said, “Was it really abuse though? We chose to love him, defend him, to be with him through it all.
I replied, "We chose to love him, but we didn’t choose to be lied to, gaslighted, threatened, bruised, teased with empty promises of love and fake affection. We chose to stay and fight for something we wanted, but that didn’t give him the right to destroy us."
"But despite him doing all those things, we stayed,” she countered.
“True, because of his manipulation, we genuinely believe we were in the wrong. He was able to deceive and control us since he knew all our weaknesses. We didn’t give him permission to do any of that. He said he loved us and we believed him but you don’t purposely break and ruin the person you love. That is abuse.”
Fear said, “I don’t want to be powerless like that ever again."
"We won’t. We’ll recognize it next time. We’ll be okay. He’s gone and we’re safe."
Anger said, "How could he have done that to someone who only wanted to love him?"
"I don’t know. But I do know that it highlights the stark contrast between his character and ours.”
Pity said, “I feel sorry for him. I wish he would change for the better.”
“Even though he hurt us, it’s hard not to feel bad for him since he’s the one he’s hurting the most."
Shame said, "I wish I had loved myself more and treated myself better."
"We made a mistake. We’ve learned from it and we have our whole life to right that wrong."
Disgust was judgemental and asked, "How could I even love someone like that?”
“We didn’t know."
Anger returned but couldn’t form any words. It was too much. We sat together in silence and waited for it to pass.
Shock couldn’t stop repeating the same words over and over: "He never actually loved me."
"That’s true, but him not loving you, helped you love yourself."
Hurt was the hardest to listen to because she asked the most difficult question of all: "How could he have been so heartless and cruel?”
“We’ll never know. And that’s okay. That’s not what matters. Despite all the wounds he gave us, our heart it still strong; we are still capable of loving and I think that’s beautiful."
Sadness was overwhelming. She cried for the girl we were then, for the woman we are now and for the boy he still is and probably always will be. I held her and reminded her that it was terrible but it’s over now. We’re not there anymore.
Grief was the last one to the party. We mourned the death of our past self. We were trying to mourn the boy we loved when she asked, "How do we mourn someone who never really existed?"
"He might not have existed, but he was real to us back then. So we’ll mourn him the same way we’ve mourned everyone else: we’ll remember and move on.”
"Series: Conversations with my Emotions after Identifying the Abuse - Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
clumsypott asked:
Wow. I've just separated from a long term partner and I'm reading through your writing and some of them stab like a knife. But in a good way. It's like you've put aspects of our relationship perfectly into words in ways that I've never been able to. Thank-you for sharing your words. It's really healing to know that someone else has felt the way I do right now.
I always feel so conflicted when I get messages like these haha
It saddens me to hear that you’re going through a hard time and that you relate. I’m sorry, I hope your pain eases soon. But I’m also happy that my words were able to bring you some kind of comfort.
Thank you for reading my posts! Please remember that you’re not alone 💜 feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
-J.A.
"Don’t expect honesty from someone who can’t be honest with themselves. Don’t expect your feelings to be safe with them either since they can’t even handle their own."
Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"Maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe I run from the ones that care to the ones who don’t because I still haven’t mastered the art of receiving love."
Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
Anonymous asked:
I just want to say that I really appreciate your poetry. I can relate to most of them and its helping me to put my thoughts together. Thank You! :)
Aww thank you so much for telling me! Made my morning haha
I’m glad that my poetry is able to help you! 💖
Anonymous asked:
you know what i dont quite understand? is how someone can say they miss you or they love you but justify there hurtful actions by saying its for the best. Especially when it seems as if its not for the best because it doesnt benefit either of us
I understand how that can be confusing.
I think it depends what the hurtful actions are. Do you mean that they say they love you and miss you, but they left anyways and said it was for the best? Because it’s possible to miss and love someone, but still decide that ending the relationship is the best thing to do. I know that sounds contradictory but sometimes things don’t make sense right away. Maybe in a few weeks or months from now you’ll find some clarity 😘
xoxo
J.A.
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"She sits in the corner of her room with her little lamp barely lighting the pages and tries to write the pain away."
She sets her thoughts free, but she can’t escape the pain - Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"Last year’s me would’ve understood him, stayed with him, defended him and forgiven him in a heartbeat. This year’s me, understands him, forgave him, and let him go because even though I can understand why he did what he did, I can’t trust him with my heart."
It’s such a special feeling when you can see, feel, your growth - Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)
"You tell them about your past so they will understand how you were hurt, so they’ll see your scars and know exactly where they came from. In turn, you hope that they won’t make fresh scars exactly like the ones you spent so much time recovering from. You hope and trust and have faith that they won’t hurt you the way you were already hurt. That they will show more care, that they will cherish you and protect you. But then they treat you the same way as the one before, leaving fresh wounds that hurt more than the previous ones because you expected more from them."
Expect the worst so that way you won’t be disappointed - Jess Amelia
(Source: jessamelia.ca)